My Grandma Should Be On a Stage

Some of ya’ll out there know my Grandma LouLou in real life. I wrote about a funny conversation that she and I had here. She’s a pistol and she should be a comedian on stage somewhere. But, she’s never actually trying to be funny. She just tells it like she sees it and in her 81 years here, she’s developed a comedic timing that could rival the big boys.

A little background on the conversation that we had over the weekend. LouLou has six children. Our conversation centered around her oldest son. We call him Uncle Phil because he looks like James Avery from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Uncle Phil and Aunt Alice have been married for over 30 years. Aunt Alice happens to be white. Not an issue as far as the family is concerned, but it’s essential to the story. After living in upstate New York all their married life, they’re moving to rural North Carolina this month. Over the last two months, while they put their home on the market, packed, visited NC, etc, they’ve been hard to reach. So, this is what LouLou had to say about the whole thing:

Me: Have you talked to Phil and Alice lately?

LouLou: No. I call and they don’t call me back.

Me: Really? That’s not really like them.

LouLou: I think Alice got a plan.

Me: A plan?

LouLou: Hmm hunh. You know I love Alice right? She’s a good daughter in law. But yesterday, I was watching that Lifetime channel for women. You watch that channel?

* chuckling lightly to myself *

Me: Yes ma’am, sometimes I watch Lifetime.

LouLou: That’s a good channel – sad sometimes, but still good. So anyways, I was watching and I got to thinking. I think that all this not calling back and stuff is part of Alice’s plan. She gonna take Phil down to that little town, where they don’t know nobody, kill him for the insurance and we won’t know for months. Then, after she kills him, we won’t even think nothing of it when he don’t return the calls. She’s setting up a pattern.

Me: Huh? You think Auntie is going to kill Uncle Phil?

LouLou: Well, like I say, I love her and she’s been good to me, but you know how them white women are. They kill their men. And sometimes for no good reason at all.

* silence as I try to control my laughter *

Me: Gram, I’m pretty sure that Auntie is not plotting to kill Uncle Phil.

LouLou: Umh hunh. Ok then, I’m not gonna tell nobody else, but you remember what I say. Come July or August, after it’s all said and done, they won't even be able to find no evidence of the crime in the woods out there. I knew it first.

Me: Isn’t it past your bedtime?

LouLou: I know you think I’m crazy sometimes, but you better mark my words. I know how them white women are and if you don’t, you need to watch a little more of that Lifetime channel for women. They’ll explain it you real good, in a bunch of ways. Good night baby.

Me: Good night Gram.

What more can I say? I love her dearly and she cracks me up.